HeArt of Idaho Falls century race report

It was early when I rolled out to ride to the start line. 5 am San Diego time. And damn was it cold. I think the official temperature was somewhere between “freezing” and “you should just crawl back into bed.” My knee ached immediately, as it is want to do whenever it gets abnormally cold. Naturally I hadn’t thought to bring any base layers, but even if I had, I wouldn't have worn them. I hate carrying extra gear that I’ll only need for a little bit, comfort be damned.

I started pedaling slowly. I only had 7 miles to go, and nearly an hour to do it. And even though I knew that the sooner I got up to speed, the sooner I’d warm up, my cold body practically begged me to take things easy, and to work up to a proper warm up. That basically meant that by the time I’d be rolling up to the start line, I’d be warmed up, only to have half an hour to kill before the sound of the gun, signalling the start of the event.

I rolled through pancake flat country roads as a dull, misty haze hung over my surroundings. I passed by innumerable fields and caught the attention of several cows, all eyeing me curiously. I can only imagine what they were thinking as they watched this goofy, latex-clad San Diego-based cyclist roll by. All I could think about is how warm it would be, sitting between a pair of them.

The ache in my knee spiked abruptly, and a handful of seconds later, I found out why as the local canal swung into view. How it wasn't just ice cubes, I have no idea, because I sure felt like one. Hell, I was positive my water bottles would freeze before I got a chance to drink from them. Several ducks floated along the waters, quite content with where the currents carried them, and I couldn't help but marvel how similar our lives were, if you ignore the fact that I wasn't covered in feathers, didn't have a bill or hollow bones, and would both sink and freeze in water if I had jumped in. Hey, you need something to occupy your thoughts when you’re cold and up early.

Eventually I arrived at my destination and settled in for a wait, which would end up being longer than expected, no thanks to a blown circuit, which resulted in a collapsed start line. But even than didn't slow us down too long, and at 7:05 mountain time, we were off: the HeArt of Idaho Falls Century had begun.

It was a huge loop, taking us along miles upon miles upon miles of country roads, essentially circumnavigating the city of Idaho Falls. At one point, we went nearly 20 minutes without seeing a car, we were that secluded. But I’m getting ahead of myself here.

The starting gun went off, and soon we were rolling along at a steady 20 mph, being lead out by a dune buggy, which was a first for me. Here's a brief video.

As we made our first turn, I saw one guy ahead of me. I looked back and saw one guy behind, all of us separated by about 10 meters. We linked up together within the first two miles, and our trio stayed like that for the next 58 miles. We formed a nice little paceline, or three man group. Each of us pulled for a few minutes, keeping the tempo right around 25 mph, before the lead guy peeled off and let the next guy in line take over. Within fifteen minutes, we’d left everyone else behind.

In less than an hour we blew past the 25 mile aid station and just kept on rolling, coming to the 35 mile aid station less than half an hour later. Why they were positioned so closely together, I have no idea, but the second one had been our pit stop of choice. Here we took a minute to introduce ourselves, make use of the local facilities, and grab a quick bite. Unfortunately, we delayed about a minute too long, as a group of four flew by our stopping point and kept on going. We rallied quickly, though, and our water bottles refilled, took off after them.

We chased hard, keeping up our tough pace, and at 2 hours 27 minutes, had ridden 52 miles. Our next challenge loomed just ahead of us, literally: Bone Road. On paper, it’s not that hard. 6.8 miles at 3.3%. Then there’s a short reprieve followed smaller section, about a mile at 5%.

Unfortunately, I underestimated the first section and pushed too hard, not realizing until it was too late that the goal I’d had my eyes on had been a false flat. During my hard charge, I’d dropped one of our group, Scott. After realizing my mistake, I dropped the pace to recover, but as a result our third member, Eric, kicked, leaving me in the middle to suffer alone. Once at the top, Scott and I linked up briefly before he surged on the final section, once again leaving me alone. What a jerk.

But man, once you finally come over the top, all of Idaho Falls is laid out before you, and it’s only then that you realize two things. First off, you can’t help but marvel at how spread out the city really is, with the center of the city relatively packed, surrounded by fields and the occasional farmhouse dotting it all sides. Second, you realize that all that climbing you did, you’re about to undo rather quickly.  I can’t tell you how much fun I had, flying downhill at up to 50 mph. It’s riveting. It’s terrifying. And it makes you feel alive. Wanna see what it's like? Well, today is your lucky day!

Once at the bottom, I had an epiphany: I had 30 miles left, and nobody to pace in with. Without a group, I’d be hard pressed to make it back by the 5 hour mark, my unofficial goal. But I’m nothing if not stubborn, and after flying by a group that was content to go slower than I’d like, I settled in for an unpleasant hour and a half.

Now, in case any of you were wondering, holding 20 mph for an hour and a half, with a group, after having done 21 mph for roughly 60 miles, is challenging. Absolutely doable, just challenging. But having to do 20 mph for an hour and a half, solo, was just a bit too much for me, and after an hour, my legs finally gave up on me.

It’s disheartening, cracking after such a monumental effort. I’d poured out just about everything I had in the legs, but with 10 miles to go, it proved to be just a bit insufficient. Fortunately, I linked up with a group of four who were feeling a bit more fresh than I was, so I managed to hop onto their wheels, hanging on at one point just out of a sheer power of will not to be dropped again.

Finally, the last 2 miles approached. I knew my family would be there, and as luck would have it, it was my turn to take a pull. I summoned up everything I had left in my body. Every iota of strength, and every flicker of a watt, and began to lift the pace. First to 20. Then 21. 22. 23. As we came along the final 800 meters, I pulled us up to 25. I was gasping for breath, wondering, hoping it would be over soon.

It was then that I heard it. Someone screamed my name just as a car came flying by, and there were 2 of my cousins hanging out the windows, snapping pictures like every moment counted. Whether that gave me the strength I needed or summoned it from deep within me, I don’t know, but as we came up to the final 400 meters, I kicked as if there was no tomorrow. One last video. Promise.

I don’t entirely recall what happened next, or how much time passed. I have a brief memory of pictures being taken of, and with, me. I remember shaking hands, and having a cold Coke thrust into my weary, waiting hands. Then I was down on the ground, just trying to remain conscious. I wasn't joking when I said I’d pulled out all the stops.

Eventually I had a beer and food, followed by a coffee and another Coke, and let me tell you, after 5 hours and 20 minutes, covering 102 miles, each bite of food or sip of a drink was the most glorious thing I had put into my body in the history of ever.

Looking back over the event over the last few days, I could have done a few things differently, but nothing major. Overall, while I’d been hoping for something along the lines of 5:05, I’m still pretty happy with my finishing time. Especially considering the fact that my longest ride leading up to the event was only 88 miles, and even that was a few weeks prior. 

When it came down to what mattered, I had what was important. My bike was clean, and had been given the love she deserved from the boys at Zumwalt's Bicycle Center, so she ran smooth and fast. I had my shades, courtesy of Spy Optics to keep the sun out of my eyes, and to keep me looking cool (which is more work than it seems!). I had my Team Ninja kit and lucky Unicorn socks on, so people would know I meant business. And I had Skratch Labs there to keep my hydrated in the heat.

Riding a bike is, like life, a learning experience, and while we may not always get the results that we want, we have to learn to accept the results that we earn. At the end of the day, I’m happy with how things turned out. I’ll take what I learned, both about the event and about myself, and I’ll apply it to other races. That’s all I can do in the end. I was raised knowing that if I didn't get the result I wanted, to learn from it and try harder next time. We can’t all win, but so long as you’re happy with how you did and know you gave it your all, then you sure as hell didn't lose. And in my book, that’s pretty damn good.

Till next time, keep the rubber side down, and your skin off the ground.

TdF 2014, a Tour for hard men

I think we can agree, this years Tour has been a little nuts so far. What with Cav's crash in stage 1 (in his hometown, no less), to just, well, everything. I know, I know. It's The Tour. We expect people to be nervous the first few days, and for some of the riders to go down. And ya know, yesterday was no real exception. Sorry Tejay, but crashes fucking happen. Does it suck that Froome is out of The Tour this year? Yeah, you bet. But it also sucked back in 2012 when Frank Schleck, Cancellara, and Tony Martin withdrew. And do we really need to relive anything from the 2011 Tour, with its plethora of crashes (remember Vino fracturing his femur?), spills (Horner, Boonen, and Wiggo), and flat out freak accidents? Let's not, shall we?

Here's the thing: shit happens. Especially in The Tour. Why does this shit happen? Because it's The Tour. De France. The grandest of the grand tours. It's sole goal is to make you suffer. To forge the steel of your soul in the fire of pain and suffering. So yeah, there's gonna be cobblestones. Did it rain on stage 5? Yes. Can the ASO predict rain a year in advance? Really? Are you kidding me with this? Yes, it's gonna make the stage that much more dangerous and scary. And yeah, you guys are humans and feel people emotions. But the thing is, that doesn't mean that you're not racing the Tour de France. You don't wanna be there? I'll sell a kidney (maybe yours!) to be there instead. You came knowing it was going to be tough. And it's only gonna get tougher. We haven't even gotten into the fucking mountains yet.

The thing is, this isn't your first Tour! Remember in 2012 when you won the white jersey and finished 5th overall? What about in 2013, an admittedly bad year for you, when you still finished 34th out of 181? You know The Tour is tough. At least it's not snow, like the Giro d'Italia has been known to race through.

Look, I know. The rain sucks. Cobbles suck. You're pissed, because now you're sitting 2:11 back from yellow, against a guy who can climb and TT. A guy who, I have to admit, up until yesterday, I was prepared to write off as a top 10, at best. So what? So is every other guy who's looking to wear yellow when you guys arrive in Paris. Know what this means? Attacks. Lots of them. It means you and the rest of the GC guys attack the shit out of the Nibali, and try to break his legs off. Maybe he'll hang on for dear life, like Tommy Voeckler did back in 2011 for a little over a week. But the thing is, between you, Contador, Porte, Talansky, Valverde, and Costa, somebody should be able to go out there and make Nibali suffer. Preferably a lot. Alliances form between teams with a GC guy.

As much as I may like him, don't be Cadel. Don't be a conservative nice guy. Be willing to put it all out on the line, because if you're not willing to try, you're guaranteed to fail.

I know that there's still a lot of racing to be done (a little over 1500 miles left), and that things are far from decided. I just think that maybe calling stage 5 a mistake is a mistake. Regardless, I'm looking forward to seeing what else happens over the next couple weeks.

Till the next one, keep the rubber side down, and your skin off the ground!

Big Bear race report: I raced a single speed against guys with gears

Have you ever done that? Entered to race against guys with gears, while you only have one? I've done it twice now with very different results, but both times were awesome. The first time was years ago, and honestly not the point of this story. This is a blog post about a mountain bike race, something I've not done for a long, long time.

You said it, Old Ben!

So, why'd I decide to race? Long story short, I just felt it was time. It'd been long enough since my concussion that I started to feel confident in my abilities again. Of course, having not even ridden a mountain bike in that two year span, my self-confidence was completely unfounded, but that's besides the point! The point is, I decided to race a single speed. Not only a single speed, but a rigid single speed. On a course that I knew had a few spots that would make life unpleasant. I may not have started the race as an angry singlespeeder, but damn if I wasn't close by races end.

Before we begin, though, let's review my thought process for why I decided to race a rigid bike with one friggin' gear on a course that featured some brutally steep sections, against guys who's method of compensating was shifting: in short, there was no thought process. There. Glad we got that settled.

So! Big Bear. I've always thought it was a bitchin' course. Fire road climbs, fire road descents, with single track thrown in for good measure. Like I said, though, I raced guys with gears, and this course starts you off with a 2 mile long climb that averages just under 6%. Except when it gets steeper, and sometimes it's triple that. Yeah, triple. And all you can do is sit there, pedal, and try not to cry. I may or may not have succeeded on that last part. Especially since, by the time I hit the top of the climb, all my competition had left me in the dust, literally and figuratively.

If you feel like looking at the course, take a peek at this. Feel like you've got it? Good. Let's continue.

This course, like most of the Big Bear courses, was a lot of fire road climbs or descents. The first real tough part for me was a section called Plantation Trail. It comes at about the 7.7 mile mark, and lasts for just under a mile. Plantation is a twofold section of ouch for me because it's a single track climb. You don't gain a ton of elevation, but when all you have is the one gear, it's enough to put some hurt into the legs. Doubly so because you climb up to Plantation, and then continue to climb after you leave Plantation.

Shortly after that came a trail I'd never ridden before: Skyline Trail. Skyline is like 30% awesome, followed promptly by suck. The first 1/3 of the the trail is rad, because it's little rollers that you can just flow through. The rest, though? Hey, yeah, more climbing. With some technical shit thrown in because the course designers hate you. Yes you, specifically.

There was one section that I knew we'd be racing that I was afraid of, and that was Pirates. In years past when I raced mountain bikes, Pirates had a log transfer that you had to cross, followed shortly by a short, steep, technical climb. Now? Pansy shit. No log transfer. The climb has been shallowed out a bit, and all the technical shit has been removed. Meh.

But Fall Line. Oh Fall Line. When I first raced in Big Bear oh so many years ago, I remember my mentor, Bob Umpenhauer, telling me, "Fall Line is sandy and rocky. It's important to pick a good line, try to follow it, and don't die." Fall Line still sort of lived up to its name. It was less sandy, but just as rocky. You had to pick a good line, and if you were a hard man like yours truly and were rocking a rigid fork, you just had to hang on for dear life and pray you didn't crash out. Obviously I lived, and it was a blast. Plus I got some props from the guys behind me who, when they were able to pass, noticed my rigid fork from the airy comfort of their full suspension bikes. Here's a video of Fall Line. If you can, watch it till the 1:25:31 mark, which is when Fall Line ends.

We tackled yet another new section that had been shredded to shit, and which I was not a fan of because it was stupid, before diving into one of the last two sections I was scrapared (scared and prepared) for: Fern Trail. Fern Trail is basically just more downhill single track, except for one really tricky section. It's a sharp right hand turn that requires you to descend down either large rocks or roots. It was here that a photographer, Called to Creation, decided to post up. Go ahead and take a look and see what I'm talking about. Fortunately, he'd seen me earlier in the day, and as I settled in to bomb the descent, he gave me a shout out.

Then the last section of the course that had been on my mind since before I started. It has no name, but I've taken to calling it "that rocky section where Kris Gross crashed out and had to get stitches." All I can say is, it's a downhill with a ton of little rocks, and it's easy to lose your wheel. And it's where I let the bike have its head, and do what it needed to do to keep us both upright. My arms bounced around so much, they actually went numb. But I'm happy to say, the Marin handled it!

Post race steed, proudly showing off its dirt.

So, long story short, I finished last. Not counting the guys who decided they weren't manly enough to finish the race. If you ask me, they should turn in their bikes. I did the whole thing on a rigid, 26'r, single speed, and still finished. They have zero excuses, short of maybe their legs falling off. Maybe.

If I knew I was gonna finish last, what was the point? To have fun, to shock people, and to see if I could still race a mountain bike. Hell, I'm willing to be I was the only guy out there on a rigid, 26'r that was also racing a single speed. That's what cycling has always been about for me: pushing your limits. Or, to put it another way....

DO EPIC SHIT.

Whatever you do, make it epic, and enjoy it. You won't regret it.

Now, I just wanna give a quick shout-out to some of my sponsors, without all of whom I wouldn't be the racer I am today.

Spy Optics: your shades have survived everything I've put them through which, if you know me, is a lot. And they not only still hold up, but they also look fantastic. I almost wish they would break, just so I could justify buying a new pair! If you want a rad pair of sunglasses that are light on your face and can take some spills, check out what Spy has to offer!

Zumwalt's Bicycle Center: I brought the Marin in to them on a Tuesday, and said I'd need it by Friday. When they saw the bike, all of us were skeptical that she'd be race ready in that time. She needed a ton of love and parts. But damn did thee guys at the shop get to work. Not only did they do what I thought would be a truly daunting task, they had my bike ready the next day. Hell, saying the bike was ready is an understatement. The bike was unstoppable! I can't thank the guys at Zumwalt's Bicycle Center enough for all their hard work!

Skratch Labs: it averaged about 88 degrees during my race. I knew it'd be hot, so I brought two bottles full of Skratch Labs hydration mix with me. Imagine my shock and disappointment when, during a particularly tricky downhill section just 4 miles into my race, one of my bottles bounced out of the bottle cage and off into the wilderness! Suddenly I had one bottle to last me for 16 miles. But ya know what? I wasn't worried. I knew I had some Skratch Labs in it (pineapple, too! One of my favorite flavors), so I'd be alright! And you know what? Not only was I OK, I felt great after the race. My total hydration had barely dropped. I've been drinking Skratch Labs for well over a year, and even I was impressed! Bravo, guys!

OK, that's all done. Sorry it was so long guys, but I'll let you go now. Until the next one, keep the rubber side down, and your skin off the ground.

Why your bike is way better than any pet you'll ever have

I would apologize for this one, but I'm really not sorry. See, as somebody who has two cats, and has had dogs in the past, I can say confidently that pets are a pain in the ass. I have way less trouble with my bikes than I do with my cats. And cats are supposed to be independent creatures! Now, I'm not saying you should get rid of any animals you have. Just that, in the future, you should look into buying a bike instead of some kind of critter. So, without further ado, here are my reasons why bikes make the best pets, and regular pets are a PITA.

1) Pets will get into things/places that they shouldn't. Like I said, I have a pair of cats, and when they get a wild hair up their asses (which is often, seeing as how they have fur and all), they love jumping up on the counters and table. Except that, you know, that's not cool with me. My bike, though, never goes where it shouldn't. I put it somewhere and come back to it an hour later, it's still friggin there! Unless it decides to fall on the ground. Then, you know, it's on the ground. But still basically where I put it, just not where I want it to be.

2) Pets have to go to the vet. Vet bills. Ugh. I mean, I get why you take your little fuzzball to the vet. But keeping up to date with shots, and paying for a microchip, and then taking them in for check-ups. It all adds up! Don't get me started on when your little furry bundle of joy decides to go and get injured. Then it's crazy pricey! My bike, though? All I have to do is take it in for regular maintenance, replace a few parts here and there, and I'm good! Unless I crash. Then I take it in to make sure nothing is broken or anything.

3) Your bike never gets underfoot. Know what one of the biggest hazards in my house is? Standing up and friggin' walking somewhere. Doesn't matter if I walk from one end of the apartment to the other, or if I walk 10 feet. Know why? Because my cats are gonna try to trip me. Why they do this, I have no idea. Maybe they're plotting my death, and I've just been lucky to survive thus far. My bike, though, just sits under my legs, and doesn't try any of that shit. It just follows where I go. Even if I clip a pedal on something, and I start to crash out, I know that my bike is right underneath me!

4) Pets need food, and attention, and if you're really unlucky, regular baths. My bike, though? Chain lube, oil, and a cleaning from time to time. Big bang boom!

5) Your bike will never leave you. Unless you gave it away or sold it, of course. Pets are douches, and might just walk away from you, even if you call them. Your bike would never ignore you like that.

6) Pets get fur everywhere. Assuming you don't ride in the rain or snow, a bike will only get dirt and grease places. But that's not that hard to clean up, right?! And assuming you do ride in the rain, then all you need to do is clean up the water. Ain't no thang.

7) Pets take up tons of time and attention. My bikes? They only time they take up is when I'm actually riding them. Same goes for the attention! Unless I'm thinking about them, which I do all the time.

8) Pets always want attention, and unconditional love, and for you to spend time with them. Bikes, though, if they could take, just want you to ridden them all the time.

9) Pets typically make noise any time they want something. Whether it be food, water, attention, or to be played with, until they get what they need, all they ever do is make noise! But my bike only makes noise whenever it needs maintenance. Totally different!

These are just a few reasons why I think bikes are way better than pets. I'm not gonna get rid of my cats any time soon, but I always know what'll love me unconditionally: my bike!

What do you guys think? Are there any reasons I missed about why a bike is better than having a pet? Let me know in the comments! And till the next one, keep the rubber side down, and your skin off the ground.

You either like the headwind, or you're wrong

Before I jump into it, I'm gonna preface it with this: this mostly applies to people that do road races, time trials, or the hero on the Saturday/Sunday group pace line. But I do think that there's a bit of info here that everyone can learn from. I'm also going to group crosswinds in the same category as headwinds, because they share many similar qualities. K. Ready?

If you don't like the headwind, then it's about time you get onboard with it, because that shit ain't going anywhere, besides into your face. It's mother-friggin nature. You aren't gonna beat that.

The other day I was out at Fiesta Island, and it had been particularly windy most of the day. As such, a bunch of my riding buddies were texting back and forth, humming and hawing about what the wind would be like on our workout at the island that night. The general consensus? Utter fear.

A casualty of the winds that day

In my mind, Fiesta Island is perfect. The big lap is a 4 mile circular loop that starts off with a crosswind. This transforms rather quickly into a short headwind, then a looooong crosswind, followed by a banking lefthand turn that gives you a tailwind. Just when you think you're about to recover, you sweep left and BOOM! Back into headwind before it tosses you into a crosswind, and then you're right where you left off. Sound grueling? That's because it is, and that's how it should be.

 It teaches you how to be a hardman (or hardwoman), mentally and physically. Seriously. In other words, it's a free training tool.

I specifically choose a ride which involves a long, soul crushing headwind a couple times a week. I do this just so I get more experience and so I get better at breaking people with it. Think about it for a minute. Assuming you've got any decent wind in your area, just think of the number of directions it can come from. Now think of all those different directions that aren't a tailwind, and try not to swallow in shock, mkay?

I can't tell you how many times my ability to ride into a headwind has paid off, and I've broken lesser riders. More often than not, they look up and see me at the front, practically unaffected as I drill a pace, my pull longer and faster than those that came before me. They see my legs continuing to not mash the pedals, but merely spin, and they tremble. It's at this point that they look down and realize that we've picked up a couple miles an hour. Their heart rate begins to climb, as does their power, and they stare, unabashed as I continue pulling, unwilling to let anyone else come to the front. At this point, they begin to doubt themselves. They doubt their abilities. Their very souls cry out in pain and in disgrace. Now, one of two things happens. Either they break mentally, or I continue pulling and break their legs off. Either way, their time in the group is done.

All because I ride into the wind.

If you don't believe that knowing how to be a hardman in the wind is important, I encourage you to watch my main man Jens Voigt crack the peloton in half at stage 5 of the 2013 Tour of California. How did he do it? He went to the front of the pack during a gnarly crosswind and did what Jens Voigt does best: made lesser men cry by putting down the hammer.

The thing is, anyone can ride fast with a tailwind. It's easy to push 25, 28, or even 30 miles an hour with a strong enough tailwind. But turn around and try riding 20 miles an hour into that same wind, and tell me how you do. It's a whole different beast, and it's what separates the men from the boys. The wheat from the chaff. The awesome post race IPA from fizzy yellow beer. Ya see where I'm going with this? A headwind is resistance training that you don't pay for.

Anyone can go for a ride with a tailwind, focus on their miles per hour, and think that you're one bad mamba jamba. But turn around into that headwind, and all of a sudden it's a different story. You look at your speed, and feel an overwhelming sadness come over you. Don't let it. Remember, everyone is encountering the same wind that you are.

If you have a power meter, instead focus on that. That's where the money lies. Power can tell you exponentially more than speed can, simply because power is actually representative of how much...wait for it....power you're putting out. Isn't that a wonder? Speed, in this situation, is irrelevant. Power is everything. Shift up a couple gears if you have to, but always try to put out a consistent amount of power.

Remember two things when riding into a headwind. 1) those guys sucking your wheel are hurting more than you are, and 2) this headwind isn't going to let up, so you may as well embrace it for what it is: a challenge. And eventually, isn't that what cycling is all about? Pushing past your boundaries to become a better cyclist? To get harder, better, faster, stronger? And to hopefully one day be that rider at the front who knows that, on a whim, they can break the legs off of the lesser cyclists behind them?

Get out there. Ride into a headwind. Learn to crush souls, and break legs off. Also, because if you time it right, the way back home is a tailwind, so you can relax and enjoy yourself.

Till the next one, keep the rubber side down, and your skin off the ground!

Simple commute is best commute

I started riding into work a few days ago, and I have to confess, I don't know why I didn't start doing it sooner. It's not distance. My commute is just over 30 minutes each way. Nor is it the fact that I'm scared of the dark, cuz I'm totally not. I think it was just laziness, honestly. See, here's the deal. I'm not a morning person. Never really have been. I'd much rather stay up until 11pm and wake up at 7, than go to bed at 9 and wake up at 5.

Seriously, this was my alarm some days.

But the other day I figured, I'm already technically waking up stupidly early for work. Why not stop putting it off, and go apply Rule #5 to my mornings? So I convinced myself to do it. I said, "self, quit being a whiny bitch, and go out there and Rule V this shit!" And thus, it was so.

Don't get me wrong. That first morning was not one of my finer days. My alarm went off. I smacked my phone. I rolled over. But then part of my brain kicked in and woke up me. That son of a bitch. I keep trying to kill him with beer, but he keeps sticking around.

OK. I was up and awake. Man, this sucks, I thought to myself. But I pressed on, undaunted. Then I realized I'd broken my one cardinal rule of commuting via bike. I hadn't packed my work clothes in my commuter bag the night before. OK. No biggie. So long as I left by 5:25, I'd be good. It was only 5:10. I was golden.

Somehow, though, I managed to leave at 5:35. I blame some kind of weird time vortex manipulation BS that exists only because I woke up at 5am. It definitely wasn't the fact that I wasn't prepared to ride my bike to work, or the fact that I walked back and forth in my apartment about 97 times. Definitely couldn't have been those. Had to have been time manipulation. Anyway, yeah, I got to work late.

But that hardly matters. Waking up in the morning and going for a ride before you really do anything else is friggin' awesome. It woke me up more than my usual morning coffee (grande iced coffee with an add shot, FYI), and resulted in that day being one of the most productive days I'd had all year. And it put me in a good mood, which is a miracle unto itself.

Yup. Kinda like this, but MOAR BETTER.

Best part is, the roads are in pretty decent condition and there wasn't any real traffic to speak of. So I guess my question is, why don't more people commute to work via bike? Or any real kind of alternate transportation? And why the hell did I stop?

Every day that I commute, it saves me gas, it saves me wear and tear on my car, and it keeps me from getting stressed out. If you've ready this post, then you know I kinda sorta already talked about how working out helps make you happy. Didn't read it? Shame on you. Did read it? Thumbs up!

Then there's the fact that one more bike on the road is one less car in its place, of which there are already plenty. I mean, there are a lot of people who do my same work commute. But I think the worst parts are the fact that 1) the traffic is always inconsistent. One day it'll take me 15 minutes to get to work. The next it could take me as many as 30. 2) There's quite a few douchenozzles who'll cut you off. Why? To be a douchenozzle, that's why. If I ride my bike, I solve both of those problems. My commute time will be consistent, and because I take bike paths most of the way, I don't need to worry about people cutting me off.

Will it last? Will I continue this new system of travelling to work? I don't know. But I'm gonna try. And that's where you, my dear reader, come in. I issue this challenge. For every view this post gets, I will commute to work for one day. If it gets 30 views, that's 30 guaranteed days of commuting. 80 views is 80 days. 1 bajillion views? Well, that's pretty much commuting for forever, times infinity. And I challenge you guys to try it, too. If you're not comfortable riding to work, then find another means of transport. Join a carpool. Take the trolley. Do something other than your usual morning routine. Give it a try. If you don't like it, switch back. But no harm ever came from trying.

Till the next time, keep the rubber side down, and your skin off the ground!

Other crappy bike things

OK, so I already did a similar post as this one, but I thought I'd kind of expand on it. Just little things that tend to bother me. For the things that are done by other people, doing any of combination of these things may not put you automatically on my bad side, it will make me essentially shut my ears off, and instead focus on my ride. For the others, these are just things that are a general pain in the ass that aren't, I feel, thought about all that often. So, without further ado, here we go.

Let's say you get a flat tire. "That sucks," you think to yourself. But it's OK. You've got everything you need to fix it. You get off the bike, grab your tools, pull out the flat, swap in the spare tube, start to inflate it, and.....BANG! Pinch flat. You pinched the tube between the wheel and the tire. Now you're doubly hosed, because you have two flat tubes. Pinch flats are the worst thing ever. Not only because you ruin a perfectly good tube, but also because the sound of the tube exploding sounds like a gunshot and scares the bib off of you.

Sticky bar tape. However it happened, once your bars are sticky, there's nothing you can do about it besides suffer in silence. And suffer you will. I dare say having sticky bars is worse than getting gum in your hair. Your life will suck for the rest of the week.

You ever tried to unclip, and almost eat it? Then you'll get a laugh out of this.

Done watching? OK. Did you cringe, too? I did. Because that's happened to me. Inevitably, if you ride enough, you'll fail to unclip and totally eat shit. All you can do is hope you weren't riding with buddies who saw you fall, because they'll never let you live it down. Not ever. Assuming you're not with buddies, then just laugh it off and get back on the bike.

On a related note, say you're stopped. You push off the ground to get going, then try to clip in and totally fail, your leg firing downwards with the force greater than Hulk slamming Loki into the ground. When that happens, all you can do is pray that you don't fall, because then you'll really look like an idiot.

If you don't already know, learn how to change a tire. There's tons of videos on the subject. You can usually get by with a free pass or two if you're inexperienced and riding with friends. But it's one of the basics of riding, and should be learned second only to actually riding a bike.

Oh large vehicles. I love you for your large draft zone, which help pull me at tremendous speeds for extended periods of time, with next to no effort on my part. But so help me, if you fly by me without giving me at least a couple of feet of space, you can be sure that I will think several unkind things about you. There are few things worse than getting buzzed by a bus while it does 45 mph, and insists on passing all super close.

OK. This one is gonna be touchy, and I don't mean to step on anyone's toes here but, well, here we go. Talkers. Now, I want to clarify something. If it's a social ride, and the collective group is sitting around chatting, then that's one thing. What bothers me is when the group settles in, usually after 30 minutes of pedaling or so, and that one chatty Cathy in the group is jabber jawing away in your ear. That part I mentioned in the beginning about tuning you out and focusing on my ride? Yeah, this is the fastest way to get me to that state. Don't get me wrong. If we're just hanging out, then it's all good. But if the conversation is decidedly one-handed, then maybe learn to read the room, or in this case, the road. Shut. Up.

Now, there's a catch to the above. If one person asks the other about their bike, or their workouts, or the like, and there's a back and forth conversation, then that's OK with me. But again, be prepared to read the road and my body language, and shut up when you need to. However, if we're riding, and you want to talk at me about your training or your bike, I will, will ignore you. It's not information I care about. At that point, I'll make it my mission to find any way I can to get away from you, up to and including flatting your tire.

I don't mind chatting while we ride. I'm just the type that prefers it in the beginning of the ride. Because after that first 30 minutes or so, I'm focused on riding. Shit talking, however, is accepted and encouraged at all times.

And, finally, this guy. I mean, really? Really really? How does this happen?!

What do you guys think? Did I miss anything? Were there others you've encountered and wanted to add? Let me know in the comments! Until next week, keep the rubber side down, and your skin off the ground.