Top 10 annoying things that you can encounter on your ride (it's not as bad as you think!)

Heh. Sorry for the Buzzfeed-esque title. I couldn't help myself. As the title suggests, there just some things that fall under the purview of bike riding that, when they occur, make me just roll my eyes and sigh. Now, this is just my top 10 list. Obviously, yours may vary. But take a seat in the saddle, and let's go for a ride. That's the only pun I'll make. Promise.

1) Leaving the house on a ride, getting a couple miles in, and then realizing you forgot your bottles. That ever happen to you guys? Of course it has. And it's annoying, isn't it? I once had a 6 week stint where, at least once a week, whenever I left the house on a ride, I'd forget my water bottles. But I'd get like, 4-5 miles from home, realize my mistake, and just keep going. I mean, after all, I'd gone way too far already. There was no way I could turn around now. Obviously, I broke out of that habit eventually. But it still made me a bit paranoid about checking my bottles.

2) Speaking of forgetting things, ever forget your socks? Fortunately, this has only happened to me a couple times over the last few years. And, yeah, it's not that bad, compared to forgetting your water bottles. But man, it's just so annoying. Your feet get stuck to the shoes. They sweat. It's uncomfortable. You look silly. It's enough to make you wonder why bad things happen to good people!

Actual photo of me with no socks. What a sad, sad foot.

3) Salmons.

4) This is a two parter. I don't ride with headphones very often, instead choosing to focus on my ride (and also keeping with rule #62). But when I do, both of these things usually happen. First off, the cord running from my jersey pocket, under my jersey, and along my back manages to find the one uncomfortable place on my body, and sticks there. Which is, of course, also the one place I can't ever seem to quite reach. Second, have you ever looked around while wearing headphones, and they pop out of your ears? Ugh. If someone has come up with a solution for that, I'd love to hear it. Hook a brotha up. Because it happens to me all. The. Time. And it makes me sad, because it's usually at that one good part of that one song that I love.

5) Bugs. Yeah, bugs. There was a three month period over the summer where I had to contend with bugs at least once every other week. Once I got stung by a bee. Another time, I had one of these giant guys come up and hit me in the face. Then there was one time I had to deal with what I can only imagine was a metric ton of gnats buzzing around my favorite bike path. It was so annoying, and made me want to punch every bug in the face.

6) Forgetting your gloves. This is probably worse than forgetting your socks. Not just because it's uncomfortable, but mainly because it's uncomfortable. I mean look at it!

Look at his face. Doe he look like he's having fun? Of course not! Why? Because he's not wearing gloves.

7) Hills. Yeah, I said it. Climbing hills. I'm going to be honest. I am not a great climber. In fact, I don't think I even qualify as a decent climber. I'm no Andy Schleck, who's ability to release his tenacious grasp upon gravity and gently yet quickly float up hills is a constant wonder to me. The only reason I climb as OK as I do is out of sheer spite for the hill. Oh. And raw, unadulterated power. But mainly, just spite.

8) Saturday/Sunday Coffee Rides, without the coffee stop. I've been the victim of this exactly once, from someone whom I'm pretty sure was the embodiment of pure evil.

If you promise me a coffee ride, and we don't stop for coffee, then expect me to rummage through your jersey pockets for the rest of the ride, and steal any delicious snacks that you've been saving. You have been warned.

9) Those epicly awful crotch wedgies. That's all I'll say about that.

10) Phantom creaks. Or squeaks. Or any real mystery noise that your bike makes. Especially if it persists after cleaning your bike not once, not twice, but three times. And extra especially if it ends up being something unimportant that's making noise. I once had a bolt that came loose in my water bottle cage. But only such that the bolt would rattle when I had a bottle in the cage, which is hit and miss. This went on for 3 weeks. 3 weeks of the stupid water bottle cage squeaking and creaking for hours on end. And me not being able to find out what the problem was. Ugh. I still have nightmares about it some days. Fortunately, I discovered what the culprit was and fixed it. By throwing it away. Then lighting it on fire and melting it, before finally stuffing it into the jersey pocket of the no-coffee-having-Saturday/Sunday-riding evil person. And now my bike and I are all like,

So, I guess that those are my top ten most annoying things that happen on a ride. But what about you guys? What are some things that annoy you guys the most when you're out on a ride? Is there something that I missed? Let me know in the comments below! 

Remember, guys, keep the rubber side down, and your skin off the ground!

Why riding your bike is the best thing you can do with your time

Any of you guys seen this image pop up on your Facebook feed anytime in the last, oh, I dunno, ever?

If not, go ahead and look at it again. Finished? OK. Look at it one more time, just to be sure you bask in the simplicity of what it's telling you. Feel like you've got it? Alright. Let's continue.

It may come as something as a shock to some of you, but I'm something of a biking enthusiast. And for good reason. Beyond getting me outside to enjoy this gorgeous San Diego weather, there's a ton of benefits to riding your bike. I'll try to stay away from the obvious ones. Or if I touch on them, I'll expand on them, and hopefully you'll learn something new. Let's go for a ride, shall we? Pun intended.

First off, riding your bike improves not only your leg strength, but also improves heart health and strengthens your core. Yeah, that "core" thing that you spent so much time in yoga class developing? Go ride your bike. It'll help. But wait. I said that it also improves heart heath, right? It does. Just doing the equivalent of three, 45 minute rides per week can not only increase your hearth health by 3-7%, but you'll also be "biologically younger," which has even more benefits. In short, though, it makes your body more efficient at regenerating cells, fighting off illness, it keeps you looking younger, and it helps you live longer. And finally, it reduces the risk of heart disease by nearly 50%. Yeah, you read that right. That's 50%. Cheerios, your move.

Next, a fairly obvious one. Cycling reduces your stress levels. Now, first off, I don't want to claim that that's something only cycling does. Working out in general will help reduce your stress levels. I don't know about you guys, though, but I, personally, hate going to the gym. Mainly because it feels like a chore. I feel like it's something I have to do. It's hot, the A/C can't quite keep up, it smells like sweat, and some other person keeps hogging the machine that you need to use so you can just finish up and go home. But none of that applies to riding a bike! First off, riding a bike outside helps your body reset its internal clock, which helps you get a deeper, more restful sleep. Plus, it helps flush out the chemical your body normally produces when it's stressed, which is part of the reason you feel happier, more relaxed, and energetic after a ride.

Ride your bike. Get smarter. Don't believe me? Researchers have shown that a 5% increase in your cardiovascular health not  only helps out your heart (like I said above), but that it helps boost your brain by up to 15%! You see, by taking part in a low to mid intensity exercise, the added flow of oxygen to your brain helps it not only regenerate current cells, but also produce new ones. Most commonly, the largest increase was in memory retention, something that starts to deteriorate once ya hit 30. Ride your bike, remember more things more better!

None of this convincing you? OK. I've got one last argument. Save money by riding your bike. Now, numbers here are a bit tougher to calculate, simply because there's a lot of factors that come into play, so your mileage may vary (Hah! Another pun!). People in larger cities like New York and London see the biggest benefit here, but in numerous cases (and cities), commuting via bike tends to actually be quicker than travelling by car or public transit. Plus, because you don't have the gas, oil, and maintenance costs associated with driving, that's money that gets to stay in your wallet. 

Let's use me and my car for example. Round trip, I have a commute of about 16 miles. Assuming 25 mpg, that's $2.33 per day spent on gas, based on gas being about $3.65/gallon. (16/25=0.64. 3.65x0.64=2.33) Assuming I drive twice a week, obviously that's $4.66 a week (2.33x2). Let's multiply that times 52 (52 weeks in a year), and see what we get. $242.32 saved per year, and that's just in gas, assuming I ride my bike to work twice a week. Starting to sound more appealing yet? 

Obviously, there are a plethora of reasons why you should ride your bike. Frankly, I could probably triple the length of this post, and still not touch on all of them. But don't just take my word for it. Try it. Go out, and ride your bike. You won't regret it. Your wallet, your mind, your heart, legs, and many others will thank you. And hey, you may make a few new friends out there, too. So, as it was so elegantly put in the beginning of my post.....

Till the next one, gang! Keep the rubber side down, and your skin off the ground!

Some days, I really hate riding my bike

OK. So, I promised myself that I wouldn't make a post like that. But as I should know, my promises to myself are practically garbage. Mainly, I wanted to avoid this, because it's always controversial. Now, I know I'm not the only one with strong feelings about the matter. Typically, cyclists fall into one of two camps: either you agree with me, or you disagree. And while I know that only Sith tend to deal in absolutes, this is a subject that both sides feel pretty vehemently about, which leaves little to no room for a middle ground. Additionally, what I want to talk about has so many areas that seem gray, or unclear, that any time the subject is brought up, it sparks an argument.

My intention here isn't to make people argue. I want to get that out of the way right now. My goal here is to, in a way, vent about some misconceptions, on both sides, while simultaneously encouraging a discussion along the way. If you agree, OK. If you don't, that's cool, too.

But first, if I may, I'd like to tell you a story.

So, earlier this week, after picking up my lunch (a bean and cheese burrito, if you're interested), I was driving back to the office along a two lane road. I was in the left lane, and to my ride was a Benz. As we approached a red light, I saw a blue SUV change lanes from behind the Benz, to behind me, to the turn only lane next to me. As we came to a complete stop, I looked at the SUV and noticed just how strangely close to my car he was. In fact, his SUV was juuuuuust barely in the lines for the turning lane.

And then he accelerated and cut over into my lane. Through a red light. The guy deliberately chose an unoccupied lane, just to run a red light and cut me off. Just so that he could get in front of the Benz and I. I'd just like to point out that the Benz and I were going the speed limit, and didn't slow down until the light turned red in front of us. Just wanted to mention that for complete transparency.

Anyway, being the upstanding citizen that I am, as soon as he punched it through the red light and cut me off, I did my due diligence to let him know what I thought of his (highly) illegal maneuver. With my car horn. He responded by flipping me off. But I shrugged it off. There was a good chance that I'd never see that guy again, so when my light turned green, I resumed my drive to the office.

At least, until the next light turned red, catching him again. This time, he was in the rightmost lane, right up front. This crossroad, though, was way busier than the last one. There was no way he'd pull the same stunt here, I thought to myself. Then I watched in shock as he pulled forward a bit. Then some more. Then a little bit more. Then punched it again. Riiiiight through the red light. What a douche, amirite? I mean, who does that? I wished immediately after, and still do, that I'd had sense enough to memorize his license plate and call the cops. 

I think it's safe to say that my reaction was similar to this.

Except that I'm way better looking than this guy. Plus, that jacket he's wearing? Really?

Aaaaanyway....later that day, I went out for a short, sunny bike ride. You know, because SoCal refuses to acknowledge seasons. I mean, seriously, check this shit out. This was just from a few days ago.

So anyway, I was out riding my bike, and came up on a red light. Because I'm a law abiding citizen, I braked, then unclipped, then stopped and waited for it to turn green again. As I waited, I saw a pair of other bike riders slow down, look both ways, and then blow through it. I looked at the car next to me and met the drivers eyes, and each of us shook our heads. Especially because a car came flying through the intersection just a few seconds after the riders ran the light.

The sad thing is, I saw about half dozen riders perform this very act during my short 1.5 hour ride. And what was just as surprising was my own subdued reaction. Oftentimes, I ignored their actions, instead focusing on my own. At most, it caused me to shake my head. Why was my reaction to the driver so strong, yet not so when witnessing essentially the same thing amongst my cycling brethren? 

It's just my theory, but I think it's the general attitude of cycling. I can't speak for other states, but I know that in California, bicycles are treated as vehicles. We can't drive on sidewalks, nor are we (technically) allowed to ride on them. Both cars and bikes need to utilize a turn signal when changing lanes. And, yes, we both need to stop at stop signs and red lights. 

I can just imagine all my cycling friends doing this right now.

The ironic thing is, we, as cyclists, get angry at drivers who are angry at us for running red lights and stop signs. It's a self-perpetuating cycle, and one with no winners. They yell at us, telling us to get out of the street, and we yell back, saying that they bought a car, not the road. I'll admit it. I've been on the receiving end of the yelling. And I've yelled back. To the driver, I'm nothing more than a slow pain in the ass lawbreaker, delaying him by that precious 20 seconds before he can floor it past me. 

I don't know about others, but I don't like the stereotype. It's why I've vowed fight against it, in my own way. It's why, if I come up to a red light or a stop sign, you'll see me stop. Because it's the law. And because I want to show drivers that we aren't all rogues who ride bikes just to break a law that, to us, may seem stupid. The thing is, I've seen the difference in the way drivers treat me. Hell, a driver actually rolled down his window during one ride to compliment me on stopping at a stop sign. Then he made an offhand comment about how every other cyclist he'd seen would just blaze through the stop sign. I see the difference my actions make when I come up to a 4-way stop, and yield to the car that stopped before me. 9 times out of 10, they'll wave me through. I like to think that it's out of respect for the fact that I respect them. 

But whatever the reason, I'm just glad that they're not running me down with their 2,000+ pound death machine. Because when it comes down to it, we cyclists are protected by little more than air. Cars? Yeah, they're a big steel box. I don't think I need to paint a picture of what happens when your air bubble comes into contact with a steel box, but suffice to say, that air basically throws out the deuces, and gets out of the way. I, personally, haven't known anyone be seriously hurt by a car, I'd like to keep those injuries to a minimum.

Now, I know that it's tough, being a law abiding cyclist, and being hassled by car drivers who hate us. But honestly, guys, this is a long term fight that we simply can't afford to lose. Prior to the installation of its bike share program, New York nearly lost most, if not all, of it's bike lanes. Toronto's mayor, yeah, Rob Ford of crack smoking fame has also publicly admitted his disdain for the humble bike. I don't want us to lose this fight.

Now, there's a lot of common arguments for why we (we=cyclists) shouldn't have to stop. But whatever they are, I'mma let you finish, but I just wanna say, it's the law that we stop. You may not agree with it. But it is what it is.

The fact of the matter is, riding a bike is a simple, beautiful pleasure that gives back to the community, often times in subtle, subliminal ways. So let's go and show drivers that we're here, we're ready to play nice. I love my bike. I'd just love it more if I knew that I won't be on the receiving end of an unwarranted insult and being honked at.

Sorry for the long, kind of rant post, guys. I promise, something happier and more light hearted for the next one! In the meantime, I'll finish this up with some exclusive footage of me, the first time I climbed onto a mountain bike. My skills haven't exactly improved since then, sad to say.

Till the next one, guys, keep the rubber side down, and your skin off the ground!

NRSS

I've gotta be honest here, folks. I hate the off-season. Well, OK. Maybe I don't hate hate it. As race season comes to a close, and then for the first few weeks, the off-season is great. I get to relax on the couch. Eat just about anything I want. Drink as much beer as my liver can handle (and then some). I get to sleep in on the weekends, and can let some of my bike cleanliness and maintenance fall by the wayside.

Then 2 weeks of laziness turns into 3. 3 into 4. 4 into....well, a whole lot more than I'd like to admit. See, I get caught up in something that I like to call "NRSS," or "Not Race Season Syndrome." It's that feeling you get when you know that you can skip a ride here or there, because it's the off-season, and that you'll make up for it eventually. You sit on the couch, and start counting the weeks until the first race of the season. Obviously you count weeks, because if you counted months, then it'd seem like race season is coming up quicker than you'd like (which it is). So, you count weeks, so that you can be lazier, longer.

I sit here now, with 4 weeks until my first real race of the season. And man, I gotta tell ya, the weeks of the off-season flew by. Flew. By. But that's NRSS for ya. You get so caught up in not racing, that the thought of getting up off of the couch to go train just sounds so...exhausting. Like, you know you should. But man, does it sound like a dumb idea.

Know what helps me? Looking at photos like this:

And one's like this:

And do ya know why? Because I know that in a few short weeks, I'll be toeing the line again with a bunch of guys who are gonna go out there and crush it. With guys who's sole purpose is to make everyone suffer. And man, I'll tell ya. That not only sounds terrifying, but it makes me want to get out there and race.

I think about looking around the peloton, cranking out the watts, watching for moves, keeping an eye on the pace, looking out for hazards, and judging my own efforts. Just thinking about it makes my heart rate pick up. Like, as potentially unprepared for race season as I am, it gets me excited. Then, suddenly, I'm eager to race and to train again.

But, ya know, what if I'm looking at this NRSS thing all wrong? What if, instead of NRSS being indicative of laziness caused by knowing you don't need to race soon, NRSS is what makes you want to race, even when you know that racing season is weeks, or even months, away? I'm not gonna lie. I've been watching race videos on YouTube. Stuff like this:

And this:

Every time I watch one of these, it makes me long for race season. I can feel adrenaline in my system, and I get restless. Like my legs and my body know what they need to do. They can see it happening on the screen. So why aren't they out there doing it, too? We should be. We need to be. It'll happen soon.

So, what do you guys think? Is NRSS more about what causes you to be lazy, and not care about training? Or is it all about that feeling you get when it's the off-season, and you want to race? Let me know what you guys think in the comments. Keep the rubber side up, and your skin off the ground.

Time for a New Years post

In the event that you lost track of time, or spent the last 13 years in a bunker, New Years is coming up. And with it comes all kinds of intentions and pledges, or "resolutions" if you will, to do, well, things in the coming 365. Some people want to go to the gym. Others want to get a new job. Yet others want to run a marathon. And finally, yet more people want to make broad stroked changes in their life. Whatever your goal is, I hope that you find the strength and commitment to follow it through.

Not me, though. I ain't takin' part in all that.

(A perfect example of my standard resolution for the past few years)

I dunno. Maybe it's just me, but I've always found it difficult with following through with New Years resolutions. Save money? Meh. There's so much cool stuff I can buy! Lost 5 lbs? But I like that 5 lbs attached to my body! I don't wanna lose it, because then what happens if I need it? It'll be impossible to find, that's what. Forget about my past mistakes? Sure! That way I can press on to greater mistakes!

In all seriousness though, or for them punk kids and their lingo, "for cereal," my goals for the coming year are pretty simple, and that's because I think it's much easier to set a dozen or so smaller goals for the coming year. Then, when you're riding high off of your success, you'll continue to push yourself to accomplish yet more feats. See? That straight up makes sense right there! So, without further ado, my goals for the 2-0-1-4 are as follows:

1) I live in San Diego. It is always time to be bike riding. So all of the times that I'm not bi-cycle riding, is when I should be riding.

2) Buy one of these. I apologize for not linking to these guys in my cyclists Christmas buying guide. But to be honest, I wanted to keep these all to myself. Then I thought about what how Jensie would feel, so I decided to share after all.

3) Race more. This one is pretty simple. Though this also means I need to figure out when I'm going to sleep, because there's races ALL THE TIMES. 

4) Go to the The Broken Yolk, then order and consume their "Broken Yolk Iron Man and Iron Woman Special." For the uninitiated, it is described as such: "A dozen-egg omelet filled with mushrooms, onions and American cheese smothered with our own house-made chili and more cheese. Served on a 15-inch pizza pan with a generous pile of home fries and two biscuits. No substitutions please. **For one person only and there is one-hour time limit. Winners will go down in history on our Hall of Fame Plaque. GO FOR IT!!!" That sounds pretty easy.

5) A double century. Because I'm masochistic. And I want to lay down the hurt on some friends.

6) Buy more bike stuff (not like that's a surprise!). Specifically, jeans that fit. I mean, I can't be the only cyclist that has this problem, can I?

7) Fix up my single speed. Race it against guys with gears. Beat them. Then drink their tears of sorrow.

8) Don't crash. Especially not on or around the June 15th. Maybe I'll talk about this in a future blog post, but that week in June has it out for me. So I'd just rather avoid it, if I can.

9) Maybe shave my legs before race season starts? Meh. Maybe not. I dunno. That sounds like a lot of work, and I only have three spare blades right now.

10) I dunno. I'll leave this one open. 

What do you guys think my final resolution should be? And what are your resolutions? Do you want to learn a foreign language? Eat a whole pizza by yourself? Maybe eat a whole pizza while learning a new language? Let me know in the comments, guys! Till the next one, ride safe, and keep the rubber side down!

On the importance of group rides

Today, I was out on a group ride with a club that I've ridden with for years, when another buddy and I started talking. During the course of our conversation, he mentioned that over the last couple of years while he's been riding with this group, that he's gotten progressively faster, despite not really varying his workouts. That's when I started thinking that group rides give us much more than we think. They help each and every one of us become better riders, in more ways than one.

So tonight, I want to talk about why group rides are just plain rad. I want to talk about why, regardless of who you're riding with, you're all united by a love of at least one thing: your bicycle. The fact that everyone is out there to ride gives us all a platform from which to launch talking to one another. And how a group ride is a sort of ambassador to the rest of the world. H.G. Wells once said, "when I see an adult on a bicycle, I do not despair for the future of the human race." I believe that there's a threefold reason for this.

First off is the fact that it shows that we all are capable of taking something as basic and rudimentary as a bicycle, and finding joy in using such a vehicle. Bikes not only make you the method of transportation, but they also make you the passenger. You're out there, not only actively participating in riding your bike, but you also get to experience riding your bike. The wind in your hair (through your helmet, of course). The sun on your skin. Hopefully a light breeze. It's all just a rad experience. And it's something that can take you places and will let you experience things that you may not otherwise be a part of.

(I wouldn't have been in a situation like this if I hadn't of started riding.)

Secondly, they make us all better riders. Riding in groups teaches us to hold our lines. It teaches us riding etiquette, like pointing out hazards to our fellow riders, and waiting when someone has a mechanical. We learn not to half wheel, not to randomly slam on our brakes, and to consider the fact that our actions may impact the people around. It also teaches us when to yield to one another, how to react when someone pulls up right next to us, and it makes us really think twice when we hop behind the wheel of a vehicle, and we see someone out riding, hopefully making us better drivers, as well.

(Yeah! Riding close proximity!)

Third(ly), there's the social aspect of it. As I touched on above, when doing a group ride, each and every one of you are there to ride a bike. It forms a link between you, to the person next to you, to the person on your wheel, to the person pulling the group, to the guy on the other side of the road, riding in the opposite direction. Cycling bonds you with other people who you might not otherwise talk to. I've made a lot of great friends because I've been riding my bike. And a good portion of those discussions started with talking about our bikes, or how often we ride, or why we ride. It's not like going to a party where you may not know anyone, or share their interests. There is, I've found, a sort of united brotherhood among cyclists. To the point where we'll always check on a cyclist that's at the side of the road, to make sure that they're OK, regardless the fact that you may have never ridden with them.

(This photo brought to you by a group ride. For charity!)

Now, you may recall that in the beginning of my blog, I said that my friends riding had improved, despite not really varying what he does. But do you know what the secret to his improvement was? He was riding in a group. All it really takes is one or two people in that group to push the pace, or say a few encouraging words, and suddenly the entire group is going faster. Maybe it's because you've got two guys at the front of the group, doing all the work, and pulling everyone else along faster than they've gone before. Or maybe it's because one guy loves climbing hills (hint: I'm not that guy), and so pushes the pace of his group, making them work together, and work harder, to pull him back. And finally, it takes encouragement and hard work. Pro cyclists, or even really good cyclists, are not built in a day. It takes blood, and sweat, and maybe more than a few tears. But some encouraging words can go a really, really long way. Encouraging someone can make their whole day. It can make their whole ride. And the next time they get out on the bike, they may try that extra little bit harder.

The fact of the matter is, I've made some amazing friends while riding my bike. We swap stories. We talk trash to one another. We push each other. And we look out for one another. There are friends I've made cycling that I wouldn't trade for all the IPA I could drink. So get out there, find a group ride, make some friends, and enjoy the fun!

(Some fantastic beer drinking, trash talking, bike riding dudes.)

What cyclists say vs what they mean

So, in case anyone missed it, stuff like this has been floating around for a while. There's also the ever popular Shit Cyclists Say and Shit Mountain Bikers Say videos, as well. But, unlike the videos, in which cyclists mean what they're saying, the things cyclists say aren't always what a cyclist means. So, with that first link as inspiration, I wanna see how many of these things we can crank out.

Say: Yeah, I ride this loop all the time.
Mean: I rode this loop once with friends, 8 years ago, and haven't thought about it since.

Say: My brakes are rubbing.
Mean: Wait. You mean my brakes are adjustable?

Say: This is a social, no drop ride.
Mean: Not only will we need an article of clothing for the search and rescue dogs, we'll also need contact info for your next of kin, so we can inform them of what happened.

Say: This ride only has a few hills that aren't too bad.
Mean: We're basically gonna climb Everest. Twice. With no chance for rest.

Say: Yeah, a spot to refill bottles just up ahead.
Mean: It's another 14 miles till the next water stop.

Say: It shouldn't be that windy for our ride.
Mean: It's gonna gust up to 30 mph. And it'll snow. And hail.

Say: We have a rad descent coming up.
Mean: We're only gonna go downhill for a quarter mile before we climb again. And the downhill is full of potholes!

Say: Yeah, I just got a brand new (insert part name here). It's awesome!
Mean: I paid a lot for this, and I can't tell the difference from what I had before.

Say: I could have beaten you at the sprint, but I sat up because this is a taper week for me.
Mean: You were so far ahead of me, I couldn't even see you over the curvature of the earth!

Say: I totally bonked on my ride.
Mean: I went out riding for 4 hours, and all I took was a stale slice of bread, and a half bottle of water that's been in the bottle for the last 6 months.

Say: (to other riders stopped on the side of the road) You guys OK?
Mean: Oh man. I hope you don't need anything, because all I have is a screwdriver, a bottle opener, and stale slice of bread.

Say: Man, I forgot to grab my shoes before I came to meet up with your guys. Guess I need to skip the ride!
Mean: My shoes are actually in my trunk, I just want to go back home and sleep.

Say: All the Euro pros drink this!
Mean: I have no idea what I'm talking about.

Say: Have you guys seen the course for the Tour de France next year?
Mean: It's gonna be somewhere in France, right?

Say: I totally met Jens Voigt once. He's a super cool guy!
Mean: I tweeted a funny joke to him once, and he retweeted me!

Say: I must have forgotten my tire pump at home. Do you have one I can use real fast?
Mean: I have no tubes, one sock, and I forgot my jersey.

Say: I'm totally carb loading!
Mean: Can I just drink the beer straight from the tap?

Say: This new (insert part here) totally shaves off like, 200 grams!
Mean: What's a "gram?"

Say: I totally do my own bike maintenance.
Mean: I know how to pump up tires, change grips, and clean a chain.

Say: I prefer my hardtail. It's way better on the climbs.
Mean: That's what I heard this one time from a gypsy.

Say: It won't be that cold. You just need arm warmers.
Mean: Bring 3 of your heaviest coats, a Sherpa, and a portable heater.

Say: My local bike shop totally takes care of me.
Mean: They give me 5% off.

Say: This is a team issue jersey.
Mean: I bought it at my local bike shop.

I think that that's all I can come up with. So, tell me guys, what are some things that cyclists have said to you, and what do you think that they mean? Hit me up in the comments below!